THOMAS AT THE RADIO: Top 7 Current Rap Songs According to Billboard (Part 5)

Hey what's up guys my name is Thomas of 100 Grand on My Wrist, Yeah Life Sucks and I am here to write about the most popular rap songs on the radio right now. Lattisaw Tapes pays their guest writers lavish amounts of money and I am currently trying to save up enough guap to buy a car with fine Corinthian leather, so let's get to it.

Just to quickly paraphrase what I have said in my other posts about this subject: you should listen to music on the radio because that is what everyone else is doing and no one likes that guy who thinks he is better than other people because he owns Dilated Peoples complete discography. You will end up alone in life with Little Brother vinyl as your only companion in life as you leave negative comments on Drake videos about how shitty popular rap music is today and seethe with rage as you watch 13 year olds downvote your comment into oblivion.

As a much happier alternative why don't you join the mainstream with me right here and now as we discuss the 7 most popular rap songs on the radio waves right now:

7.) "Pop That"
Hey this is a pretty great song! I like how it kicks in immediately with the rapping and is super high energy throughout. Rap videos with tons of hot chicks always sort of confuse me because I am seeing some extremely attractive females shaking their ass and am ogling like any red-blooded American, but then the camera switches to a shot of a rapper lip synching aggressively at the camera and I wish they would just pick one of the two and stick with it. The juxtaposition of bikini-clad women with French Montana's awkward self with a towel on his head is not appreciated by this viewer. If a rapper released a music video where he is not even in it and it is just lightweight softcore porn that would be pretty alright with me.

I imagine after they finished shooting this video all of the rappers got to have bomb-ass sex with these women except Drake, because he had to go brood in a dark room alone. 

Rating: Good stuff/10

6.) "Fuckin' Problems"
I am not familiar with this song, because it does not play on the radio around where I live. To be honest I kind of have a thing against ASAP Rocky because he basically just swagger-jacked some Bay and Southern rappers/producers and became a sensation because he is from New York City, which meant pretentious music journalists could finally write a thinkpiece about "the great comeback of NY rap" even though that region has not produced anything of value since Dipset.

I generally don't have any negative feelings towards any rappers/musicians, but I think all rap fans are allowed to dislike at least one popular rapper and I can't help but feel like if it weren't for questionable internet marketing and a heavy regional bias this guy would have never landed a major label deal.

It's interesting that this song is a radio hit because it contains the word "fuck" a whole lot and last time I checked that word is still a big no-no for terrestrial radio. Not a horrible song or anything, but it sounds pretty generic and I'm not sure how this became a hit other than the A-list features. 

Rating: 2/10 would not bang

5.) "No Worries"
This video is a clear homage to the film "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" because that movie was about drugs and Lil Wayne likes drugs. The video contains Lil Wayne smoking out of an opera length cigarette holder, acting zany as he drives through Las Vegas, and pretending to be on different drugs than he is actually on (Oscar Committee, are you paying attention???). The most entertaining thing about this song is when Lil Wayne goes insane and lets out a deranged scream for no apparent (1:37).

This song is pretty alright and the video is really weird and different, which is a very good thing. It's quite interesting how much of a gap there is between popular opinion and the opinion of music critics/bloggers/journalists when it comes to Lil Wayne. He has been universally panned by the latter since the release of Tha Carter III, but continues to churn out hit songs and is arguably more popular than ever before, proving once and for all that us goofballs writing about rap music on the internet have little to no influence on the greater scene. Like I sincerely doubt Lil Wayne was losing sleep when Tha Carter IV got negative reviews as it went platinum in less than two weeks.

Rating: Lil Wayne never got the memo that drugs are for sluts and losers/5

4.) "Bandz a Make Her Dance"
Juicy J is an oscar award-winning artist (lol) who used to make dark raps filled with tape hiss with the Three 6 Mafia, but now makes cool songs about doing drugs and going to strip clubs. A lot of people give Juicy J shit these days for making music so drastically different from his origins, but it is probably much more rewarding as a rapper to make songs that suburban teens can ironically sing along to rather than underground music that rap nerds will jock 10 years after its release.

There is a very good chance this song's hook has already embedded itself deep in your cerebral cortex and played in your head at inappropriate times throughout the day and that is a good sign that this is a perfect radio rap song.

Lil Wayne's verse is pretty horrible and when his voice drops to a whisper as he asks his stripper what her real name is, it is rather unsettling, but at least he chose to leave his skateboard at home for this video shoot. 

Rating: I like this song a lot/10

3.) "Clique"
I have heard this song dozens of times on the radio and have now listened to it four times in a row and cannot think of anything to really say about it. The beat is cool and everyone's verse is solid, but it just doesn't really connect with me on any level. Plus there is no music video to poke fun at, so I am left at a loss for words.

Rating: No strong opinion/5

2.) "Thrift Shop"
Have you guys heard this song before??? I have not, but apparently it is the 2nd most played radio rap song at the moment. As soon as this music video started I immediately thought to myself "I am not going to like this" due to the gross-looking hipsters on ironic modes of transportation. The song's premise is how fly Macklemore feels in his clothes that he purchased from a thrift shop, which is supposed to be really clever and funny because most rappers are fixated on material possessions. The music video is very colorful and fun, but this shit is just a little too zany and ironic for my tastes. Not a bad song, but it seems like this is the flavor of rap that attracts people who do not listen to rap and only enjoy songs like this because they are poking fun at the genre. 

Rating: I don't care for white rappers/100

1.) "Swimming Pools (Drank)"
Kendrick Lamar is a rap critical darling, who also happens to have one of the best-selling rap records of 2012. It's real rare to see a rap album achieve such success on both a critical and commercial level, in fact the last time I can recall a rapper achieving both was the aforementioned Lil Wayne back in '08. Lamar's praise is well earned and apart from annoying fans getting their panties in a twist whenever the album gets anything below a perfect score it is hard not to be excited for Kendrick Lamar and his success.

This song is tight and the music video features a lot of people floating around and it looks rad and the main video girl is stupid hot (3:32- hnggg), so what is not to like?

I thought this song was about getting drunk and was like "great!", but according to the top youtube comment: "80% of the idiots that listen to this song don't know he's being sarcastic. He's making a mockery of people that brag about drinking a lot." ...Oh ok, my bad, I guess we can't all be so talented at interpreting such high art :((

Rating: This is pure art that you cannot fully appreciate you fucking peasant/5

Okay, that is everything, I hope you enjoyed this write up and I wish you the best of luck in everything.

What do you bros think of these songs????

7 comments:

  1. "You will end up alone in life with Little Brother vinyl as your only companion in life as you leave negative comments on Drake videos about how shitty popular rap music is today and seethe with rage as you watch 13 year olds downvote your comment into oblivion"

    Hehe
    this right here!!!

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    1. I once had something that was kind of the reverse of this happen when I left a mean, sarcastic comment on a baby-faced high school kid's youtube video about the difference between rappers and MC's, and he thought I was being serious and gave a really nice, positive response, and I just felt like a worthless piece of shit.

      Anyway, this is a great segment.

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  2. These are my favourite posts on both your websites lads and Im a fan of both your websites. Your ratings system needs to catch on Thomas.

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  3. I think this is the first installment where I was familiar with most of the songs. Good stuff Thomas.

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  4. Yeah me too and Id like to add that I really like No Worries even if it is just boilerplate modren Wayne and I fully agree with the Clique review.

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  5. I kind of dig "No Worries" as well.

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