THOMAS AT THE RADIO: Top 10 Current Rap Songs According to Billboard (Part 3)

Hello there, friends. Thomas from 100 Grand on My Wrist, Yeah Life Sucks here to talk to you about popular rap music on the radio. We talked about rap on the radio here way back in November/December of last year, and you can read part one here and part two here if you want to recall the hottest raps of five months ago.

I sat down to write another one of these posts a few months back and six of the same songs were still in the top ten; solid evidence that any song you mildly enjoy on the radio will be played to death until you hate everything about it.

Finally, after five months there are some new songs on the radio, so let's talk about them! As much as I'd like to discuss how sick and tired I am of hearing Adele sing about how pussyhurt she is because a guy dumped her, we're going to stick to music that has some semblance of rapping in it, because this a rap blog:

10.) "Birthday Cake"
Boo!!! Hiss!!! I hate Chris Brown! He is a woman beater and I am boycotting his music and am never going to listen to it again! Nah just kidding, no fucks given and everyone out there freaking out about him needs to stay in their own lane. I can understand why he is an upsetting figure for certain people and he is probably an asshole, but if you only listened to rappers and musicians who were genuinely good people then you would be left with nothing but old Will Smith records and Yo-Yo Ma. Embrace the fact that your favorite rapper is probably a shitty person and move on. This is a sexually-suggestive song that contains a sick beat and uses baked goods as a metaphor for coitus.

9.) "Starships"
If a man hates all female rappers' music, does that make him a sexist person? I'm not asking for myself, I uhh, have this friend... Nicki Minaj's new album has been receiving a decent amount of critical praise, but I don't know man. Her rapping sounds like it's composed of her using as many weird voices as possible to express how zany she is, all in the name of trying to get as many music critics as possible to use the phrase "schizophrenic" to describe her music. Regardless, she is still hot as fuck. I would swim naked through five miles of piranha infested waters just to make momentary eye contact with her from 50 yards away. This song is catchy and teenage girls probably like it a lot.

8.) "Wild Ones"
As much as I want to make fun of Flo Rida and his raps that sound exactly the same on every song, I can't hate on this one. Truth be told, I'm pretty jealous of Flo Rida's life. In this music video Flo Rida skydives, rides in an airboat, pops a wheelie on a BMW cruiser bike, does donuts in a 4x4 ATV, drives a hovercraft on a beach, and drag races the female singer in a Lotus. What an awesome life! Rappers have always strived to conjure up feelings of envy from male viewers in their music videos by showing themselves at clubs surrounded by women and draped in jewels. That's a pretty tired move in 2012 though, especially when everyone knows you're renting that ice and none of those women are actually going to sleep with you. Props to Flo Rida for mixing it up with various modes of personal transportation.

Here is the top comment for the youtube video: "Woot Thumbs up if you feel like going crazy and dancing like theres no tomorrow once you hear this song!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hooray music!

7.) "International Love"
It would be pretty easy to listen to this song and jump to the conclusion that it is a souless, sterile, uninventive, commercial track that contains no redeeming creative qualities, but...well that's basically correct, but I don't want to be the one to say it. Pro tip: if you are a man, do not grow an extremely thin moustache just above your upper lip, because it will simultaneously make you look like a pedophile and 20 years older. Pause the video at frame 2:33 as Pitbull gives the viewers a seductive look; I guarantee that you now feel gross inside and want to take a shower. I don't know how he got them, but Chris Brown appears to be wearing my grandmother's sunglasses in this video, which go rather nicely with his stylish bleached hair.

6.) "Young, Wild, and Free"
Wiz Khalifa is part of a growing number of rappers who are tatted up from head to toe and have the physique of my 12 year old cousin. The expression "Do You Even Lift?" comes to mind when looking at Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa in this video. This song is about smoking weed and living a carefree life as a youth. That's cool and all, but if you're an adult and still smoke weed every day then you are probably a miserable, worthless human being. Start drinking alcohol like a normal person or maybe cocaine if you have aspirations of becoming an important Wall Street banker (jk don't do drugs ever). Props to Snoop Dogg for staying relevant all of these years.

What do you think of these songs?

Do you have unreasonably strong negative feelings about Chris Brown because you secretly want to be Rihanna's white knight?

Would you work for 6 years in a dangerous Chilean coal mine just to touch a shirt Nicki Minaj once considered buying at a department store in 2003?

Are you envious of Flo Rida's life?

Does Pitbull make you feel uncomfortable?

Are stoners the most worthless members of society?

Part 4 coming very soon, hide your children.

11 comments:

  1. I would listen to them at the beach but not in my car (not like I can anymore...see the end of this comment) or apartment / yes / yes / yes / yes / no. the most worthless members of society are car thieves.

    (great investigative work, btw.)

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    1. Sorry to hear about your car. I hope those thieves experience an epiphany and return your car with an apology note on it and really turn their lives around in a positive direction.

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  2. I haven't actually heard any of these Birthday Cake freestyles you've been harping on about HL, but after listening to the original I really want to. Its jamming.

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  3. That Snoop x Wiz collaboration is disturbing.

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  4. This is hilarious, but Nicki Minaj is more weird than hot at this point. "Birthday Cake" is the best song here for sure

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  5. ''That's cool and all, but if you're an adult and still smoke weed every day then you are probably a miserable, worthless human being.''

    lol

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